Emotional Resilience Reality Check

soccer team shoes

So I had a little bit of a reality check the other day. I was at my son’s soccer game and my son was not playing well. He was playing center midfield but he is typically a striker so he just seemed kind of lost out on the field. After about 10 minutes the coach pulled him out, and rightfully so. But then I saw the coach pull him aside and talk to him, which the coach almost never does with a player during a game. I couldn’t even hear what he was saying since I was on the other side of the field and he definitely didn’t look like he was yelling and my son didn’t look upset but all the same my mama bear instinct went firing and I went directly into protection mode! I was thinking to myself, “he better not be saying anything that is going to hurt his feelings”, and “how dare he “discipline” my son; who does he think he is?”. But then, luckily, I remembered some of the tools I learned in therapy, particularly “the pause”. I took a beat and reframed the scenario in my head.

I am by no means a “helicopter” mom, in fact, my husband sometimes criticizes me for being too lenient regarding safety with my parenting. I like to think of myself as a “humming bird” parent and teacher. I hover nearby, but not over my children. I remain distant enough to let them explore and learn to solve problems. I teach them skills, mainly by example. I zoom in only when their safety is threatened. My goal for them isn’t a risk-free childhood, but a resilient life.

Hummingbird hovering nearby

I realize that I use this philosophy in almost all areas of development; motor, cognitive, adaptive, etc…, but when it comes to emotional skills I fall far from the mark. I have no problem letting my children climb trees or try to scale a rocky ledge. I encourage them to dress themselves as early as their muscles will allow them or use scissors and knives as soon as they can hold them. But I realized that I am preventing them from developing their own emotional literacy due to my over-protectedness. For some reason, the fear of my child getting their feelings hurt was scarier than them getting a broken bone.

It was a good reality check for me because I KNOW that if I protect them from experiencing those hard emotions, like; disappointment, betrayal, embarrassment, jealously, guilt, loneliness, hurt, nervousness, frustration, etc…. they will never learn how to handle those emotions when they do experience them. Because they will experience them. I will strive to not be the source of those emotions but I shouldn’t be so protective that they never experience them.

I think that maybe we are all a little bit like this. We understand that a child will never learn to climb the stairs safely unless they experience and practice it, but the same rules applies when children are learning to navigate their emotions. They have to experience it in order to get better at it. If I shield my son from all those bad emotions this will only hinder him as adult when he doesn’t know how to deal with them and turns to horrible ways of self-medicating (drinking, drugs, etc….).

The best that I can do as a parent and a teacher is be a safe place when my children are having a hard time with an emotion. Give them the comfort they need and provide tools for them when they are ready. Validate their emotion, practice empathy, and show compassion. It’s what we all really need.

So take a deep breath……let your heart ache a little, but know you are doing it “for their own good”.

Mother hugging her child