Why you should not make children apologize

There seems to be this every present thought that any time a child causes harm they “should” apologize and teachers “should” reinforce it

So I can see why this thought would fall into most people’s head as something a child “should” do and, as such, we, as teachers, “should” reinforce. Apologizing for hurting someone is ingrained deeply into our culture and was a staple in many of our households growing up.

The original concept or reason for an apology lies in the effort to re-build any broken trust that may have occurred with the harm done. Unfortunately, in an individual focused society, such as ours, the effect of an apology lacks a true sense of remorse and is usually more focused on assigning blame to someone. This blame game can have the opposite effect of re-building trust.

Instead of forcing a child to express a feeling they may not actually have (remorse) the focus should be on how a child can fix the harm they have done. This can be looked at as the “fix it” or “make amends” method.

By focusing on fixing the harm rather than forcing a remote memorized phrase from a child the end result will be on repairing the relationship and re-establishing trust rather than confusion and anger over an insincere apology. In addition we are working those other brain muscles, such as; conflict resolution, critical thinking, emotional awareness, and pro social behaviors.

The “Fix it” Method:

Step 1: Have the child who has done the harm recognize harm has been done

Two children are playing together in the block area. One child knocks over a tower another child is building.

Teacher: “Jane do you see that you just knocked over Joe’s tower?”

Step 2: Have the child recognize what effect that harm has caused

Teacher: “Jane, look at Joe’s face. His face is showing me that he is sad because you knocked over his tower”.

Step 3: Have the child find some way to fix the harm

Teacher: “Jane, is there anything you can do to help Joe feel less sad?”

Examples of “fixing it”: help re-build the tower, give a hug, show gentle touches, retrieve a favorite toy